What ‘Safe Space’ Actually Feels Like For a Woman in the Real World

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What does safe space mean to you? Do you have it? Do you imagine it as a pillow fort or a room where everyone's happy and polite? It should be pleasant to be there, right?

The weird thing is that, in real life, it feels… Strange.

Black women experience higher levels of chronic stress because of racial AND gender discrimination. – Women’s Health Reports (National Library of Medicine)

You're so used to bracing for something, perhaps a sarcastic comment or an eye roll, that feeling truly safe feels almost uncomfortable. You know how sometimes people stumble over their words? You'd expect someone else to rush in and finish that sentence, and that's what you're comfortable with, as rude as that is. But in a safe space, nobody rushes anything.

They'd wait until the person finished the sentence themselves, stumbling or not.

Actual safety is almost boring, but in the best possible way. Nothing bad happens, nobody is trying to fix you or tell you how to feel.

Let's talk more about what safe spaces actually feel like and how they're made.

What Safety Feels Like

Your body is quicker to figure out safety than your brain is.

That means that, if you walk into a room where you're actually safe, your shoulders will drop and your breathing will become slower. And you'll also start to act differently, even if you don't realize it.

You might start to ask questions without thinking about whether you should or not, and you'll speak more naturally. You won't have to rehearse each sentence in your mind 10 times, like you're about to give a TED talk nobody asked for.

Even those basic things like sleeping through the night and not skipping meals will be easier because your body won't have to burn so much energy to stay on alert all the time.

The tricky part is that most people have no clue how unsafe they truly feel until they start feeling safe. Low-level stress is… Just that. Low-level. You don't feel it as much, and after a while, it becomes normal to you.

This is why you could spend months somewhere you're deeply uncomfortable, and you wouldn't feel how exhausted you are from it. Then, you walk into a room where nobody interrupts you or mocks you, and all of a sudden, you see the difference between the two.

That difference is the first tell, and it's usually the first time you notice what safety is.

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How to Build Safe Spaces in Real Environments

After reading that last chunk of text, many people will realize they've never experienced a space that's truly safe.

They may have entered rooms that had a sign on the door saying this and that, but that feeling of true comfort was nowhere to be found. The problem with this is that you can't make someone feel good by putting a sign up (although, wouldn't that be something?). You can't just declare something is safe and have it be true.

You have to build it over time, through small choices you make every day.

Sounds vague, doesn't it? If you want something more concrete, then start with consistency.

This is the biggest piece. In the sense of safety, consistency means that you can't have someone messing up all the time and acting as if that's okay just because they apologize and shed crocodile tears. You have to pay attention to things that happen more than once; if a problem keeps popping up, nip that thing in the bud ASAP. And if you show up that same way over and over, people around you will relax.

You can't change the rules depending on your mood, and you can't let negative comments and behaviors slide.

Boundaries help, too. Clear ones, that is, and only if they apply to everyone the same.

You can't expect people to watch someone get called out for something while another person keeps doing the same without consequences. That's just playing favorites, and favorites have no place in a safe space. People might not say anything, but you can bet that they'll notice, and your reputation will take a hit.

And speaking of reputation, can we take a moment to talk about institutions? Because a decent reputation should mean that the place in question is safe, right?

A school is supposed to be safe, and a church should DEFINITELY be safe.

But then you go online and read about things like the Diocese of Kalamazoo abuse allegations, and your whole perception of safe institutions comes crashing down. Thanks to the internet and social media, though, people are learning not to automatically assume an institution or a facility is safe.

They're not so quick to trust big promises anymore, and that's great to see.

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Conclusion

If the only safe space you have is your bedroom or your bathtub, then your bubble is about to burst.

That's not safety. That's hiding away from the world that's exhausting you on a daily basis.

To be clear, it's important to be able to unwind and relax at home, but the kind of safe spaces we've talked about today are different.

In real life, being in a safe space doesn't necessarily mean being alone, but being around people who don't keep you on edge. And if you see that you don't have that right now, go and create it.

You know how, so what's stopping you? Your friends will surely appreciate it. Just don't go assuming you're safe because someone says so.

You've seen too much to fall for that one.