You have not, because you ask not

An ongoing fight… no disagreement… no conversation (the power of words) between me and my husband, is that I want him to be a mind reader. I want him to predict what I want. Guess what I need. I want him to know me so well that I don’t need to ask. He eloquently articulated that because I find it romantic when he naturally meets my needs, that I am unintentionally not telling him what I need hoping for a random act, right on time.

I would get sooooo frustrated when the thing I want, I desire, that I know he is capable and willing to do, doesn’t happen. I would get infuriated, like, you know me. You know what I need, why aren’t you doing it?  And he would look at me, and not so calmly say, I am not a mind reader. If you want something you have to ask. 

So, after this continued to happen, I started to ask myself why am I not asking for what I want? 

Here is what I figured out so far.

For me, asking for what I want meant I was asking for help. I viewed asking for help as a weakness. As problematic as I now know it is, I took pride in the Independent Black woman title. My theme song was Independent by Webbie back in the day:

I-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-t do you know what that mean
She got her own house
She got her own car
Two jobs work hard you a bad broad

I took pride in my independence… but my independence was stopping me from asking for what I wanted, so I had to change my relationship with independence.

There is nothing strong about suffering in silence because you refuse to articulate your needs. Reprogramming my relationship with independence made it easier for me to ask for what I want. (Emphasis on want, not need)

The next thing I figured out, thank you Dr. Tiffany Gladdis, is that I was afraid of being let down. I know if he says he will do it, he will do it and do it very well. Buttttt the fear is, he may say no. In my perfect world, he never says no, lol. He says I hear what you are asking for, I do not have the capacity, time, or desire to do it, but I will support you in finding someone else to help you get it done.

With physical things, it's easy to hire a handyman to come help me with one of my many home projects, from a custom closet from Easy Closets in my owners suite and permanent Christmas lights from TrimLights (If you want to use them, let me know so I can make a referral for you to get a discount) to hanging plants and Black faucets in the master bathroom. (I gotta give credit where credit is due, he did hang my plants and installed my custom closet.

But, this is wayyyyy harder with emotional needs. 

We have each said hurtful and harmful things to each other, and the other person needs a heartfelt apology that articulates their understanding of the magnitude of their wrongdoing. Issue is, I find it hard to ask for an apology. And a quick little I am sorry is not what I need. I want a full analysis of the wrongdoing to make sure the same thing does not happen again. 

My sons were playing, and Asher did something to August that he didn’t like. August said you need to apologize to me, say you are sorry. Anyone who knows Asher knows that he refused at first, and August ran to me and said Asher will not apologize to me after he did something I did not like.

I explained  that you can not force someone to apologize to you. You express your hurt and they have a choice if they want to give an apology or not and you can choose to accept it or not. Unsuccessfully, he threatened Asher. If you don't apologize, I won’t play with you ever again (August can be a bit dramatic). But once August calmed down and explained his hurt, Asher apologized and hugged him, because he did not intentionally hurt August (this time, lol).

Seeing this and explaining the role of apologizing to my son, something hit me like a brick. It is my responsibility to express my hurt, and the fear of not getting an apology should not stop me. I am not asking for an apology, I am being authentic and sharing my pain.

I have to trust who I chose to partner with, and once he fully understands my hurt, he will give me what I need (a thorough thesis style apology with citations and references, lol). I have to be vulnerable, I need an apology, to give him the space to give me what I need. 

As simple as it sounds, ask for what you want. And child, let me report that it works. I mentioned a few things that I wanted: him to do things intentional for ONLY me (he got my wedding ring cleaned), these new fly women of color owned tennis shoes from Lilith NYC (they were delivered a few days ago), and to make the bed (he made the bed crooked, I still had to fix it, but it's the effort that counts, lol).

And this asking for what you want is not a skill set that is only for partners. It works with friends, family, and co-workers. Bottom line, ask for what you want. 

Do you ask for what you want? And if you don’t, why not?