Building Resilience in Little Black Boys Without Struggle

Resilience is often described as the ability to cope mentally and emotionally with adversity—bouncing back from challenges and, ideally, emerging even stronger. But somewhere along the way, we started believing that resilience must be earned through hardship, that little Black boys have to “go through something” to grow into strong men. I don’t believe that’s true.

I believe resilience can be taught through awareness, emotional connection, and intentional conversations—without having to manufacture struggle.

Take my son, for example. His version of a “crisis” might look like his cousin having to go home after a playdate. In his world, that disappointment feels big, real, and worthy of attention. I want him to know it’s okay to feel sad, to cry, to miss her. But I also want him to learn that after acknowledging those feelings, he doesn’t have to stay there. That he can feel sadness and still move forward.

For me, that’s what resilience looks like: helping children understand and process their emotions, not suppress them; teaching them that disappointment is a natural part of life, but it doesn’t have to define their day or their identity.

As a parent, my job isn’t to teach resilience through pain. It’s to help my sons pay attention—to their feelings, their surroundings, and the emotions of others. I want them to be so self-aware and empathetic that they can navigate any environment from a place of love and understanding, not fear or defensiveness.

And I know that’s possible because I’ve lived it. As a middle-class kid myself, I didn’t grow up in “the hood,” but I still learned how to read a room, how to pay attention, how to show up in spaces where I was different. I learned through conversations, observation, and guidance—not trauma.

So when I think about building resilience in little Black boys, I think about how we can model emotional intelligence, create space for open dialogue, and affirm their feelings without shaming them. Resilience doesn’t require pain—it requires presence.

If we teach our sons to pay attention, to feel deeply, and to respond with empathy, they’ll have all the tools they need to be resilient—without ever having to suffer to prove it.